Medyo hindi lang ako sure ng konti..
Teka sino ba si Arvir?
Si Arvir kasi, nakilala ko sya sa Hotel Pontefino, way back 2008? Question mark kasi baka mamaya mali pala yung calculations ko. Dun kasi kami nag-OJT dati pero magkaiba kami ng school. Hindi ko na masyado maalala yung full details pero based sa layo ng narating ng memory ko, sya yung unang nag-text saken. Then doon kami unang nagkausap. Then we agreed to meet in person. Mejo epic fail nga yung plan ko nung nagkita kami (haha!). Sa SM Jolibee pa kami nag-meet nun, kinasabwat ko pa yung ate at younger brother ko. Sinamahan nila ako then kunwari hindi kami magkakakilala, then andun lang sila sa malapit. Ako yung nauna dumating syempre kasi nga gawa nung plan namin. Then dumating na sya. Nagkakilala na kami. At the end of the day, he found out nga na may plan pala kami na ganon kasi napansin na pala nya sa Jolibee pa lang yung mga kapatid ko, then nakita na naman nya nung nasa city na kami. And that was how the story started. On and off ang communication namen sa loob ng halos 9 years? But every time na magiging connected ulit, it always felt na never kaming na-disconnect. It was as if, kahapon lang kami huling nagkausap. Ilang beses ko din na-feel na pag nagkakausap kami ulit, the feeling was like coming home. Coming home kasi it felt na I wandered so long and so far na finally I had something to went home to. So somehow I felt na yes, I might have fallen for him. Maybe I was just too scared to admit because I happened to have high expectations and standards when it comes to the man I want to be with (gandang ganda kasi ako masyado sa sarili ko, but dapat hindi ganon). Saying so did not necessarily mean na he was incapable of reaching those (hindi din naman nya kelangan patunayan ang sarili nya kasi I can say na he is a good man, all-in), rather, I was not really 100% sure if I will be the type of girl who can make him the happiest man, by any means, and I felt that he might deserve more than what I can offer.
Siguro for now, I can say that he was my TOTGA (The One That Got Away). Not went away because he wanted to leave; I pushed him away. I was unfair to him because I saw how ready he was to give his all to me, and that time I was not. I chose a path which I so believed will succeed just because I thought it will, but I failed. I was unfair because I saw myself choosing him when I was sad, not realizing that I should have chose him more when I was happy. I was unfair because I was not 100% honest with him and he was to me. I was unfair because I dragged him for so many times to let me into his life, which he did, but I still chose to break his heart when I know he was already deeply attached. Sana lang he will believe me when I say that it was not my intention to hurt him over and over; how I wish that the same intensity of longings which I felt during times of being apart will be of the same intensity when we were together. How I wish missing him during his absence will be the same during his presence. How I wish I could have kept the same cravings for love which I thought I had wanted to pour onto him; how i wish it lasted long.
That could have been my last chance. Naalala ko nasabi nya saken, paano daw kapag hindi na ako nakapag-asawa?!? Of course I will feel sad if that happens, knowing that my primary goal in life is to have one; not properties, not millions, but a partner in life’s term or a husband in legal term, whatever you call it.
Sya lang naaalala ko kapag naririnig ko yung “Said I loved you but I lied” and “I’m Yours”. Mga songs na tumatak talaga sa utak ko kapag naaalala ko yung story namin. I can’t thank him enough for giving me chances to feel that I am loved, and for giving me something to look forward to, well, at least in the past, when I was desperately praying for us to be reconnected. If he can read this, I hope I could be able to let him know and believe that I am thankful of him as being a part of my journey, and that I am sorry for all the troubles that I have caused him, and that somehow, I have loved him in my own simple way…