An open letter to the man I have loved so dearly… (Part one)

Hindi ito panunumbat. I don’t even have the guts to do that. It was never a favor. It was my choice: to love you, to care for you, to think of you, to include you in all of my plans, to respond to your calls or messages. It was my choice to hold on to you. It was my choice to endure the pain. It was my choice to hope.

Nandun ako sa point ngayon na gusto kong gawin lahat. Lahat ng pwede kong gawin to keep you. Dahil ayokong mawala ka. Hirap akong i-let go ka.

Hindi ko alam kung paanong pag-let go ba ang kailangan kong gawin. Saan ba dapat ang umpisa?

I totally understand that you don’t need anyone. Ilang beses mo na yun sinabi sa’ken. Pero, kung sakaling ma-feel mo na mag-isa ka, or malungkot ka, pwede bang ako na lang ang magpasaya sayo? Kapag may sakit ka, pwede bang ako na lang mag-alaga sayo?

Do you remember when I asked you something? Yung isang bagay na after 10 days mo lang na-absorb. I was happy kasi if you did not consider it, you would have not gotten back to me. I was happy when you told me, na despite the fact na maraming nag-offer sayo, sinabi mo na mas gusto mo sa’ken. And days after, you asked me again kung gusto ko, and I did not give you any answer. And days after that, you told me na finalized na yung agreement mo with someone. I felt sad. I felt bad kasi inisip ko na na-finalize mo yun kasi I was not able to give you a clear answer when you asked me. My inability to give such did not mean that I said “No”. Hindi ko lang maintindihan kung bakit mo pa ako kelangan tanungin when in fact, ako naman ang nag-open up nung ganung bagay sayo. I really thought yun na yun. I really felt na yes, it will happen. Na it will be you and me. But now, all I can feel is the unlimited sadness and longing kasi alam kong papalapit na yung araw na kelangan ko na sabihin sa sarili ko na “stop na”.

Tigil na kasi nakapili kana. Sana nagkaron pa ako ng mas marami pang oras; baka sakaling dumating pa yung oras na masasabi ko o masabi mo na “pwede na”.

Somehow nakita at naramdaman ko na magiging totoo. Naramdaman ko na posible naman. Aaminin ko, na-excite ako kasi pakiramdam ko magkakaron nako ng “Little Kobe” or “Little Baby Girl” (di pa ako naka isip ng girl na name kasi gusto ko talaga baby boy ang panganay ko sayo). Lalo pa kapag nakikita ko yung picture mo nung bata ka pa tapos may hawak kang lobo. Ang inosente mo dun. Inisip ko din na kamukha nya ang future baby natin. Na-excite ako kasi pinangarap ko talaga na ikaw yung daddy. Kahit na may konting lungkot dahil alam kong ayaw mo ng commitment, naging masaya na din akong isipin na ikaw yung daddy.

Hindi ko na tuloy alam kung gugustuhin ko pa magkaron ng anak, kung hindi naman ikaw ang ama. Hindi ko na din alam kung papangarapin ko pa magkaron ng pamilya kung alam ko naman na wala ka na.

Araw-araw kong nararamdaman yung sakit ng unti-unti mong pagkawala. Kahit ilang fake na pagngiti pa ang gawin ko, kahit tumawa ako ng malakas, kahit gawin ko lahat ng trabaho sa bahay at opisina, at the end of the day, babalik at babalik ako sa moment kung saan naiisip kita at ang mga araw na feeling ko natitira na lang para makasama kita.

Naniniwala ako at naramdaman ko na kahit pano, may connection tayong dalawa. Yun nga lang, yung connection natin, parang group of broken and dotted lines. Masaya naman tayong dalawa diba, pag magkasama. (O, baka ako lang?) Kaya ko naman maging number 1 fan mo sa basketball. Kung gusto mo, i-chi-cheer kita lagi, basta isama mo lang ako sa game mo.

Ang hirap bitiwan ng five years…

(P.S. Nabasa nya ‘to mismo. Kinailangan ko itong i-send sa kanya last Nov. 27th, 2017. Nagreply naman sya…pero……..)

*to be continued

Gusto nyo pa ba mabasa yung continuation? Heto na:

https://instamargs.com/love-romance/

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